how I show myself

I remember when our firstborn was still a tiny baby, my husband and I would occasionally get into heated, erm, discussions in the car or at home. Gabriel would be busy marveling over some blinking, noisy toy while we tended to the messier aspect of being adults with heady responsibilities in an imperfect world. At the time, I would say -sometimes audibly, sometimes only in my own mind- that at some point, we'd need to shift our debates to a more private time and location; after all, sooner than later that little person across the room would realize that Mama and Daddy weren't talking all that pleasantly to each other.

The thought comes back and haunts me now. It rings in my ears when I lose my patience and my 3-year-old's eyes cloud with confusion and hurt at the squeaky tension in my voice. Even the 1-year-old will pause whatever he is doing to observe how I discipline, to take in my reactions -both good and bad- to the various factors in our shared environment.

Talk about heady responsibility. One of my favorite passages in the Bible can be found in John 15:

¹"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ²He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes^a]">[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. ³You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

⁵"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. ⁷If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. ⁸This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples." (Emphasis mine.)

Bearing fruit takes diligence, brokenness, and a steady maturation that will only reveal itself in measures equal to how consistently I place myself in my Father's hands.

"What I have I give you"- All my children have from me at this point is my faith wrapped up in my example. My heart, if I'll let it, can be shaped and molded by God; so theirs sit with me, vulnerable to be bruised by my carelessness, free to be strengthened and nurtured and pointed to the ultimate Parent if I'll stay the course. Oh Lord, let my motherhood bear fruit that shows me to be a disciple of Yours!