Indescribable.

I only write for two reasons: 1) I've learned or am learning about something, and want to share it in some written form; or 2) I'm emotional and need to vent. My journals are completely confusing because of this second reason. Even I read them and wonder what the heck was going on during certain entries, because it's just page after page of lines like, "I'm so angry right now!" and "Could I be any happier?!" But no details- no locations- none of that.

Today's post is for the 2nd reason. I'll stretch a little here and try to offer some details. Before age 18, I wasn't too familiar with death. My dog, Buck, died when I was in the 5th grade, and I remember feeling very uncomfortable over how sad my parents and brother were about it. My dad came and hugged me after they wrapped him up and I thought, "Why is he hugging me so tightly? This isn't that big of a deal."

The autumn before I left for the Air Force (2004), I received a call at my great-grandparents house. A friend of my brother and I had been killed in a car accident. I was very quiet while my mom explained the situation to me over the phone. Her voice was heavy with the emotion I felt inside but could not express verbally. And very shortly after that, the beloved grandfather I was helping take care of also passed away.

Suddenly, I was very familiar with losing people to death. Something inside me changed. I, who as a child thought it awfully dramatic that my mother would cry during movies, now rush off to weep over newspaper headlines. My stomach turns over during sentimental commercials. I startle out of a daze, arms wrist-deep in flat dishwater because I got lost in a memory of someone no longer here. When I heard through the grapevine that a man I knew from back home had died -the father of daughters all close in age to myself- I froze up again.

I don't approach the altar of God shaking my fists and demanding reasons. I just approach and try to make eye contact but am aware -so strongly aware, about this more than anything else- that I do not understand.

I have no idea what the source of all these tears are... They happen, and leave me numb for a day or so. For a loud, often outspoken chatterbox, this is one subject that leaves me mute.