I think.

I think I have a healthy fear of God. I am in awe of Him- I revere Him. My mouth forms to speak inadequate words when I behold miraculous sunsets, the breathtaking innocence of my children, the soundless scream of a compassionate moment... He deserves my worship, and I can't resist giving it to Him.

I think I am also, well, really afraid of God. I take quite seriously the fact that this is the Creator we're talking about. He made EVERYTHING. He is sovereign.

I'm the Christian that reads the Old Testament and trembles. Even Christ's resurrection -normally something to inspire joy- kind of freaks me out. God's power is limitless, stretching beyond and swallowing without effort the thin constrictions of death. And me... gosh, I'm just so very, very bad and unworthy.

I think that some of this healthy. Some of it may be a tad off. So obsessed and cowering I am in the brightness of God's awesomeness that I tend to forget about Jesus. Wonderful, sweet Jesus, the Son of God who observed waves with feet unevenly buried in the beach sand just like I have.

I have heard many Christians talk cheerfully and emotionally about their relationship with Jesus Christ. Me? I wonder what category my relationship with Him falls into. Yes, I am frightened by God. But do I love Him? To say that I love God -love like I possess for my husband, or my sons, or other dear ones close to my heart- to say it feels awkward. How might the Spirit manifest Himself through me if I shared my life with God without holding back the most tender, embarrassing pieces of myself that I am convinced I need to keep from His sight (as if that were possible...)? To truly have a relationship with GOD, to say that I love Him without pause...

I think I'll have to think about this some more. Better yet, maybe I'll go talk to Him about it.