my ugly side.

I was a mouthy kid. Not necessarily in a bad way, at least not all the time. I was... conversational. While I was growing up there was a business in town called "Chatterbox Saloon," and my parents would tease as we drove by, "Look, Lenae, there's your place!" Yes, I have always been one of those unfortunate people that frequently lack the all-important rest stop located between brain and mouth; I think and I speak and on occasion, I regret.

Gossiping is a trouble zone I often find myself wandering into. Proverbs 20:19 always makes me wince: "A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much." I can't blame naivete, ignorance, or accident when I gossip. For me, as soon as I start talking about something I know that I really shouldn't be discussing, an alarm goes off in my head... a buzzing, almost. But I'll swat it away with a weak excuse and just keep adding bullets to my list of shame.

And I really, really detest that I do it. I've thought to myself after talking animatedly with someone else about something gossipy, "If she'll talk to me about that person, is she talking about me to other people?" It makes me sick to see the whole situation for what it is really is, and what it betrays about the state of my heart.

My battle with gossiping is tied to a tendency toward judgment. Personally, I ask God for help to be humble more than anything else, and yet I am constantly realizing that my opinion of someone has veered from honest into a callous, unfair assessment of their character. I met up with a friend recently for dinner and we were talking about different issues that were going on in our lives. During a pause in the conversation, she glanced away for a moment and there was a flicker in her eyes... a hesitation where she seemed to be hearing that buzzing I know about all too well. At the end of our meal, we closed in prayer and I was mortified and humbled when she slipped in a plea for forgiveness if we had said things we shouldn't.

Mortification I feel often, but I couldn't remember the last time I'd asked God's forgiveness for speaking ill of someone He loves and gave His son for.

How magnified must His pain be when we knowingly tear each other down rather than remain silent- aware of our own shortcomings; of everyone's universal, unweighted need of a Savior.

More Him and less me. I have been humbled, and now it is time to pray.