getting better every day.

A wave of sickness is rolling over our house right now. I'm on the outer fringe of a a double ear infection. It's been kicking my rear for the last two weeks but glorious antibiotics are making it go away, and it is amazing and blessed to be able to hear (!) and not have intense pain rippling between my ear and throat area. My poor husband has a vicious case of strep throat which is running his temperature through the roof and made his whole body achy. The kids, for the most part, are themselves but perhaps a little stir-crazy with their parents holed up on the couch.

Last night I finally started to feel better. I had heard Gabriel wander off to his bedroom a little while earlier so I headed upstairs to check on him. I poked my head into his doorway and what I saw filled my eyes with tears: I had been expecting to find him doing something mischievous, something he could only get away with since Ben and I are out of commission. Instead, my gaze fell on him sitting in his Spiderman foldout chair, small feet crossed, watching Aladdin on the mini-TV. He had even put away his Hotwheel cars and track set. It overwhelmed me, realizing my little man, my 2-year-old, had done something, well, responsible. He's a sweetheart, but this is the son who normally shadows either the husband or I, demanding we accompany him in the activity of his choice. The kid has never been a lone ranger. To see that he had quietly and patiently absorbed that Mama and Dada needed some down time made my heart swell up with appreciation for him. Whether he is aware of it or not, he showed how much he loved us in doing so.

This morning, he surprised me by wanting to watch the photo montage I made of his first year. As if my heart hadn't been squeezed enough the night before, this slideshow will do the trick every time. He came and sat next to me, leaning against my side, and together we looked at pictures from not that long ago. His cheeks were so chubby! But he has the same large eyes and quick smile. His personality was there from the get-go. I smiled as I recalled the bright and all-consuming glow that enveloped us during those first months with Gabriel, our firstborn. He affirmed every hunch, both weak and strong, we'd had throughout our lives that God exists. He lit a fire of hope. He motivated us. We'd talk about him long after he was asleep in his crib, holding hands in our own bed and feeling like life couldn't get any better.

Yet it does. It gets better even as it gets more difficult. There are time-outs now just as there have always been hugs and kisses. There are stern tones I'd had no use for when he was a wee one, crawling between toys. And now there is another little boy in the house! His place in our family, more than any of the other developments, shows us- it can get better. You can love more, even when you feel your heart has expanded as big as it can stretch. Eli's dimples, his calm demeanor compared to his brother's vivacity, his insistent squeal when he wakes from naps... they all make the picture more colorful. They make me more sure that yes, this is the path I was destined for.

We knew early on after Gabriel was born that we wanted more, even more than just two. We talked and dreamed about filled chairs around the dinner table, about a family grown through love and faith in God, a legacy far better than anything we could accomplish as professionals or as individuals. There are some who raise their eyebrows at a dream such as ours, and the world today can be threatening to it despite its purity. Last week, though, a surprise! Another is on his/her way! It took days for me to believe it, and now I think that it's not so much doubt in myself, fear of the world, or a wavering of our dream. As I watched the photo montage with Gabriel, I thought, "I can't believe I get to do this again. I can't believe we will be blessed with another."

It will be more difficult, yes, but it will be better.