camels, needles, and lenaes.

This morning, my two year old climbed up onto the couch and fell asleep on me. This, friends, is momentous: I don't remember the last time he did such a thing. I get mandatory pre-bedtime hugs, and snuggles post-injury, but he hasn't been inclined lately to just mosey on over and plant himself next to me for no reason at all. At first, I thought to myself that his hair smelled like McDonald's french fries which was 1) perplexing; why would his hair smell like that?!, and 2) repulsive, since I'm at that tender stage of morning sickness where ALL smells, be they delightful or disgusting, make me gag. After some labored adjusting, I settled in for a half hour of observing my so-independent oldest son doze, open-mouthed and drooling, on my chest. Other than the fry smell, it was heavenly.

I fell asleep briefly myself, and then I woke up and lay there for 20 minutes, spinning off into one of the deepest thought processes I've had randomly in awhile. The story of the rich ruler popped into my head (Luke 18:18-29).

When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

When he heard this, he became very sad, because he was a man of great wealth.

Luke 18: 22-23

I think I'm like him, the rich ruler. I have good intentions - I love God - I really do try every day to serve Him better, to love the people around me. But I know I'm holding back. We're not all called to be missionaries in the bush or risk our lives smuggling Bibles into forbidden areas... But, if He asked me to, could I do it? Would I do it? I've subconsciously posted a note on my door for the Creator of the universe to take heed of: Lord, these are the things I would really prefer You not ask me to do, or be, or think.

I still buy more than I think I need (stuff, stuff, stuff!) I still care too much about how others are measuring what I have and what I look like. Shoot, I have a beautiful, vibrant dream of the kind of example I want to set for my children, a modeled faith that will inspire a belief in them that will encourage and bolster character and integrity far beyond anything I could ever manage! ...But I am not that example. Not yet.

So I am wondering today. How long will I be sad about the things I know -right now- I need to leave behind for Him? There's someone I'm supposed to be in this life, and if I don't start now.... will I ever?